Jokes and laughs sent by my brother, Juan Cárdenas, M.D. cuñao, Eduardo López, Linda Subias, y otros mas ...
In memory of Lolita y Juancito
Laughter is the best medicine for the soul

 

From Mary Hill via Juan

For everyone who has ever had or given an evaluation - just remember, it
could have been worse. These are actual quotes taken from Federal
Government employee performance evaluations.

1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached
rock-bottom and has started to dig."

2. "I would not allow this employee to breed."

3. "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but
more of a definite won't be."

4. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered
like a rat in a trap."

5. "When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to
change feet."

6. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."

7. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently
fails to achieve them."

8. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an
idiot."

9. "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the
better."

10. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all
together."

11. "A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."

12. "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."

13. "He's been working with glue too much."

14. "He would argue with a signpost."

15. "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."

16. "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."

17. "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other
one."

18. "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."

19. "A prime candidate for natural de-selection."

20. "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."

21. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't
coming."

22. "He's got two brains cells, one is lost and the other is out looking
for it."

23. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a
week."

24. "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."

25. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."

26. "It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm."

27. "One neuron short of a synapse."

28. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."

29. "Takes him 2 hours to watch '60-Minutes'."

30. "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead
 

Senior Jokes
-------------------------------------------
Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?"
"98," she replied. "Two years older than me."
"So you're 96," the undertaker commented.
She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?"

-------------------------------------------
I've sure gotten old. I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees. Fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40
different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation, hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license!

signs of times... you are going to love them...

Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
**************************

At an Optometrist's Office
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
***********************************************

At a Proctologist's door
"To expedite your visit please, back in."
********************************

On a Plastic Surgeon's Office door:
"Hello. May we pick your nose?"
**************************

On a Septic Tank Truck in Oregon:
"Yesterday's Meals on Wheels"
*******************************

On a Septic Tank Truck sign:
"We're always #1 in the #2 business."
*******************************

On a Plumber's truck:
"We'll repair what your husband fixed."
********************************

On a Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.."
************************************

Pizza Shop Slogan:
"7 days without pizza makes one weak."
*********************************

At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:
"Please invite us to your next blowout."
********************************


At a Towing company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. All we want are tows."
***********************************************

On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."
**********************

In a Nonsmoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action to put you out."
************************************************

On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."
****************


On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."
**********************

In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."
********************

On a Fence:
"Salesmen always welcome! Dog food is expensive."
*******************************************

At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet -- is to miss a car payment."
**********************************************

Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary We'll hear you coming."
******************************************

In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!" !
**************************

At the Electric Company:
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment.
However, if you don't, you will be de-lighted."
************************** *****************

In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up."
************************************************

At a Propane Filling Station,
"Thank heaven for little ! grills."
**************************

And don't forget the sign at a Chicago Radiator Shop:
"Best place in town to take a leak."

----- Social Security joke

When I went to the social security office to apply for Social Security,
the woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify
my age.

I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told
the woman that I was very sorry but I seemed to have left my wallet at
home. "I will have to go home and come back later."

The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt."

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me" and
she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the
social security office.

She says, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten
disability."

ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659

CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself. The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this:

When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat under a sweets sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are coming" and I grinned.

Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, "Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling", and I had to smile.

Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself.

BUT, your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident." I just lost it."

"CASE DISMISSED!"

 

 

A woman wants the inside of her house painted and she calls a contractor in to help her. They wander around the house, and she points out the colors she wants. She says, "Now, in the living room, I'd like to have a neutral beige, very soft and warm." The contractor nods, pulls out his pad of paper and writes on it. Then he goes to the window, leans out and yells, "Green side up!"

The woman is most  perplexed but she lets it slide.  They wander into the next room. She says, "In the dining room I'd like a light white, not stark, but very bright and airy." The contractor nods, pulls out his pad of paper and writes on it. Then he goes to the window, leans out, and yells "Green side up"!

The woman is even more perplexed but still lets it slide.
They wander further into the next room. She says,"In the bedroom, I'd like blue. Restful, peaceful, cool blue." The contractor nods, pulls out his pad of paper and writes on it. Then once more he goes to the window, leans out and yells "Green side up"!

This is too much. The woman has to ask. So she says, "Every time I tell you a color, you write it down, but then you yell out the window 'Green side up.' What on earth does that mean?"

The contractor shakes his head and says, "I have four blondes laying sod across the street.

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