Golf Gifts For The Best Golfers In The World!

Dear Friends:

The following is forwarded not to offend baseball, basketball, football or hockey fans. It is, rather, an attempt to put everything in its proper perspective.

Ever wonder why golf is growing in popularity and why people who don't even play go to tournaments or watch it on TV?

These truisms may shed light:

Golf is an honorable game, with the overwhelming majority of players being honorable people who don't need referees.

Golfers don't have some of their players in jail every week.

Golfers don't scratch their privates on the golf course.

Golfers don't kick dirt on, or throw bottles at, other people.

Professional golfers are compensated in direct proportion to how well they play.

Golfers don't get per diem and two seats on a charter flight when they travel between tournaments.

Golfers don't hold out for more money, or demand new contracts, because of another player's deal.

Professional golfers don't demand that the taxpayers pay for the courses on which they play.

When golfers make a mistake, nobody is there to cover for them or back them up.

The PGA Tour raises more money for charity in one year than the National Football League does in two.

You can watch the best golfers in the world up close, at any tournament, including the majors, all day, every day for $25 or $30. The cost for a seat in the nosebleed section at the Super Bowl will cost around $300 or more.

You can bring a picnic lunch to the tournament golf course, watch the best in the world and not spend a small fortune on food and drink. Try that at one of the taxpayer funded baseball or football stadiums.

If you bring a soft drink into a ballpark, they'll give you two options -- get rid of it or leave.

In golf you cannot fail 70% of the time and make $9 million a season, like the best baseball hitters (.300 batting average) do.

Golf doesn't change its rules to attract fans.

Golfers have to adapt to an entirely new playing area each week.

Golfers keep their clothes on while they are being interviewed.

Golf doesn't have free agency.

In their prime, Greg Norman, Arnold Palmer and other stars, would shake your hand and say they were happy to meet you. In his prime Jose Canseco wore T-shirts that read "Leave Me Alone."

You can hear birds chirping on the golf course during a tournament.

At a golf tournament, (unlike at taxpayer-funded sports stadiums and arenas) you won't hear a steady stream of four letter words and nasty name calling while you're hoping that no one spills beer on you.

Tiger Woods can hit a golf ball three times as far as Barry Bonds can hit a baseball.

Finally, here's a slice of golf history you might enjoy:

Why do full-length golf courses have 18 holes, and not 20, or 10, or an even dozen?

During a discussion among the club's membership board at St. Andrews in 1858, one of the members pointed out that it takes exactly 18 shots to polish off a fifth of Scotch. By limiting himself to only one shot of Scotch per hole, the Scot figured a round of golf was finished when the Scotch ran out.

Now you know.

Joseph K. Farley

A golfer set up his ball on the first tee, took a mighty swing and hit his ball into a clump of trees. He found his ball and saw an opening between two trees he thought he could hit through.  Taking out his 3 wood, he took another mighty swing, the ball hit a tree, bounced back, hit him in the forehead and killed him.

As he approached the gates of Heaven, St. Peter saw him coming and asked, "Are you a good golfer?" to which the man replied, "Got here in two, didn't I?"

Precept Lady Diamond

The bride came down the aisle and when she reached the altar, the groom was standing there with his golf bag and clubs by his side. She said, "What are your golf clubs doing here?" He looked her right in the eye--and said, "This isn't going to take all day, is it?"

Titleist Pro V1

An 80 yr. old man who was an avid golfer moved to a new town and joined the local Country Club. He went to the Club for the first time to play, but was told there wasn't anybody he could play because they were already out on the course. He repeated several times that he really wanted to play. 

Finally, the Assistant Pro said he would play with him and asked how many strokes he wanted for a bet. The 80 year old  said "I really don't need any strokes as I have been playing  quite well. The only real problem I have is getting out of  sand traps." 

And he did play well. Coming to the par four 18th they were all even. The pro had  a nice drive and was able to get on the green and 2-putt for  a par. The old man had a nice drive, but his approach shot  landed in a sand trap next to the green. Playing from the  bunker he hit a high ball which landed on the green and  rolled into the hole! Birdie, match and all the money! 

The Pro walked over to the sand trap where his opponent was  still standing in the trap. He said "Nice shot, but I  thought you said you have a problem getting out of sand  traps?".  "I do," replied the old man. "Please give me a hand.."

A woman goes into the local newspaper office to see that the obituary for her recently deceased husband is published. The obit editor informs her that there is a charge of .50 cents per word.

She pauses, reflects, and then says well,  then, let it read "Bob Smith died." Amused at the woman's  thrift, the editor tells her that there is a seven word minimum for all obituaries.

She thinks it over and in a few seconds says, in that case, let it read: "Bob Smith died. Golf clubs for sale."

Off Course!

Passed on by man

INTERESTING FACTS:

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced
enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. 
(Hardly seems worth it.) 

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is
produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. 

(Now that's more like it!) 

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body
to squirt blood 30 feet. 
(O.M.G.!)

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes. 
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.) 

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to
death.
(Creepy.) 

(I'm still not over the pig.) 

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. 
(Do not try this at home....... maybe at work.) 

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to
its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off. 
("Honey, I'm home. What the....?!") 

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping
the length of a football field. 

(30 minutes... lucky pig.... can you imagine??) 

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds. 
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?) 

Some lions mate over 50 times a day. 
(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity) 

Butterflies taste with their feet. 
(Something I always wanted to know.) 

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. 
(Hmmmmmm........) 

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than
left-handed people. 
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?) 

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump. 
(OK, so that would be a good thing....) 

A cat's urine glows under a black light. 
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?) 

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. 
(I know some people like that.) 

Starfish have no brains. 
(I know some people like that too.) 

Polar bears are left-handed. 
(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.) 

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. 
(What about that pig??)

Got a new one?  Send it and have it published  Golf Jokes