Blonde Jokes and Laughs
sent by my brother, Juan Cárdenas, M.D.
In memory of Dr. Juan Cárdenas Cárdenas, Neurosurgeon, 1911-1997
Laughter is the best medicine for the soulBlonde jokes computer-jokes.html Home cowboy-jokes.html Mexican jokes english-jokes.html Jewish jokes Blonde jokes...
Blondes Year 2005 in Review
January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.
February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print
labels....."duh".....bottles won't fit in typewriter!!!
March - Got excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months.....box said "2-4 years!"
April - Trapped on escalator f! or hours.....power went out!!!
May - Tried to make Kool-Aid.....8 cups of water won't fit into those little
packets!!!
June - Tried to go water skiing.....couldn't find a lake with a slope.
July - Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later, other
swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!
August - Got locked out of car in rain storm.....car swamped, because
top was down.
September - The capital of California is "C".....isn't it???
October - Hate M&M's.....they are so hard to peel.
November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days.....instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!!
December - Couldn't call 911....."duh".....there's no "eleven" button 11 on ! the phone!!!
What a year!!
FIRST DEGREE
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning.† The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up.
The husband said, "Who was that?"
The wife said, "I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear."
SECOND DEGREE
Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar."
The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!"
So the first blonde hands her the compact.
The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"
THIRD DEGREE
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun.
She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry.† She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.
The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!!!"
The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"
FOURTH DEGREE
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them."
A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin ?"
The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy: W."
FIFTH DEGREE
What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?
"Is it mine?"
SIXTH DEGREE
Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA freshman, sat in her US† government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about.
Bambi pondered the question then finally said, "That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware."
SEVENTH DEGREE
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.
The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby was the first t o respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down
on the steps.
Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do?
They send me a BLIND policeman."
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench
talking........and one blonde says to the other:
"Which do you think is farther away..........Florida or the moon?
"The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see
Florida.......?????Bad Time for a Blonde Joke
A blind man enters a Ladies Bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, you should know five things:
1 - The bartender is a blonde girl.
2 - The bouncer is a blonde gal.
3 - I'm a 6-foot tall, 200-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4 - The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weight lifter.
5 - The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.
Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
Thanks to Bill Jenkins for this one.Another blond joke
A blonde woman goes into a department store and tells the salesman she wants a pair of pink curtains.
He assures her they have a good selection of pink curtains. He shows her many textures, prints and hues of pink fabrics.
Once she has finally picked out a pink floral pattern, the salesman asked her, "What sizes do you need?"
She replies "Just 15 inches."
He exclaims "15 INCHES?! What room are they for?"
She says, "I only need one, and it's not for a room.
It's for my computer monitor."
The surprised salesman exclaims, "Miss, computers do not have curtains."
The blonde says "HELLOOooooooo.... I've got windows."STAY!!!!
I pulled into a crowded parking lot and rolled down the car windows to make sure my Labrador Retriever had fresh air. She was stretched out on the back seat, and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there. I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically,
Now you stay. Do you hear me? Stay! Stay!"
The driver of a nearby car, perhaps noting that I am a blonde (?),
gave me a strange look and said, "Why don't you just put it in park?"
Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive double-pane energy efficient kind.
But this week I got a call from the contractor complaining that his work had been completed a whole year ago and I had yet to pay for them. Boy oh boy,
did we go around!
Just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid.
So, I proceeded to tell him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year... that in one year the windows would pay for themselves.
There was silence on the other end of the line so I just hung up and I haven't heard back.
Guess I won that stupid argument!A very attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender, who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his full beard.
"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no," the man replies. "Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair. "I'm afraid I can't," breathes the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues, slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
What should I tell him?" the bartender manages to say. "Tell him," she whispers, "there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies room.Most searched for jokes and humor
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